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It's raining shit or The Shitstorm

So I am fucked. My car is being picked up today but the repo people. My wages are being garnished. I haven't filed for bankruptcy yet. I wanna die. If it wasn't for my daughter I would drink myself to death or something like that (I don't drink.) I'll be 38 in July. Can I start over? Can I build my credit back up? Will I be able to go to law school when we are this broke and I am this broken? Now I'm reduced top begging for a bike. And even that plea is going unanswered. I wanna say God hates me but the truth is that I believe in "what goes around comes around" and I know that I have left many ends untied, if that makes sense. I am not a bad person, but I am a severely depressed person and so I've dropped the ball many times. And even when I do something unkind, like take a parking space I had my eye on before that little old lady can take it, I know that it will come back to bite me in the ass. Every time I've promised to call someone back, or I have told someone that yes, of course I mailed that document out to you, knowing full well I didn't, every time I've dug myself deeper into this well of despair and self pity. I need to be a better person but I don't know if I have the strength to do it.

Vacation, depression, life.

I was on vacation for the first two weeks of May. I took my daughter to Southern California to visit my aunts and cousins and give Dad some time to rest from being a SAHD and working nights. He is beyond exhausted, he's falling apart to be honest. I don't know how he does it.

My aunts are in their mid 60's and the oldest is actually 75, but they still argue like they are 13! It made for a very stressful couple of weeks at times, but it was so good to see my aunt Lucia and cousin Rob, they are like a mom and a brother to me. Robert has been married for about a year and a half to a wonderful woman, Kristi, and they are working very hard to get ahead. They also have the most adorable chihuahua in the world, Pedro, who is a rescue dog and has the sweetest temperament. Lucia liked him very much.

Here she is with Tia Lucia and Pedro:
If they decide to have kids, I know Rob will be wonderful with them. He's funny and patient and also firm. Here he is feeding the ducks and geese with little Lu:

I got to see my sister and her baby daughter who came down from Vancouver. That was really good. We only went to the beach twice even though we had planned to go every day, but when you're trying to coordinate schedules with multiple people and you have two small kids with you, nothing is ever how you plan it! It was great to have both our daughters together, we gave them baths together and it was so wonderful to see them together that we hope to see each other at least once a year, no matter how hard it is to find the time and money to do it. My sister is working on her PhD which is code for: she's stinking poor.

One the best things about the trip was to see how much Spanish Lucia picked up. I am doing my best to keep it up now that we are home, but I always slip back into English, i am not sure why. But to her it's all the same, she understands and says things in both languages. Makes me very happy.

Here she is talking to Daddy on the phone. We had to call him many times because she missed him so very much. They spend every day together and he's lots of fun, so I understand why it was so hard for her to be away from him:

Now that we are back home she has asked for "Tia" several times, as well as "Hoda" (my sister Manola) and "Mona" (baby Ramona), as well as the dogs. I have to print out pictures of them all to have around the house for her to see.

I was eager to get back home, among other things, because I was going to get the results of my test for ADD. The verdict is no, I don't have it, but my depression is so severe it mimics symptoms like inability to focus, to remember, to get organized, etc. So today I saw my psychiatrist and he upped my Prozac. We will also look at therapy, but not what I call "touchy feely" therapy, rather a more practical kind called Cognitive Behavioral therapy which focuses on the here and now. I hope it works, being depressed is tiring. And that will be an entirely different post!

Speech explosion!

Lucia has been talking a lot these last couple of weeks. I had been worrying that her speech was delayed and that it was probably because I talk to her in Spanish and Big T talks to her in English. The pediatrician was not worried and told me that two languages at home had no impact on how quickly or not she started talking. I also worried that we had been allowing her to watch too many movies and that was making her slow. But she watches *good* movies like 101 Dalmatians, Monsters Inc, The Emperor's New Groove, both Toy Stories, etc. Sure, some are a bit outdated in what they teach or how people talk (I especially dislike that the expression "you idiot!" is used so often in 101 Dalmatians) but they make Lucia happy and actually teach her more than not. She repeats what the characters are saying and then uses it with us. Her very favorite show is the Powerpuff Girls. And it is my fault [hanging head in shame.] And she has ordered us "Out!" many times (like the Professor does to an evil cat.) Also Kipper the Dog has earned us many "stop it!"s. If I had dozens of readers I know there would be a good number of outraged parents telling me what a horrible parent I am. I welcome your comments and we can have a spirited debate, but please don't call me names. I will cut you!

The best moment was a couple of days ago when we were having a heat wave in San Francisco (93 degrees is HOT here) and Big T took her to Aquatic Park. She said "mommy? Dad! Sand! Water! Balls!" She was actually trying to tell me about her day! I was so happy. So all that worrying about her not talking soon enough has turned into a panic that she will never stop talking and, worse, that she will repeat EVERYTHING we say. Which is bad for me because I curse a lot. I am trying to curve it but she's already said "oh, shit!" and I'm sure it's my fault. At least the murderous look my husband shot me that time told me so. She's so excited that she can communicate better that she will just point at things and name them for us: kitty! foot! head! carrot! eyes! mouth! cookie! hands! She also asks for things: bath, Playdough, outside, park.

And I eat it all up, I admit. Especially when she says she wants "mas leche" (more milk) or asks to eat "huevos" (eggs) because it gives me hope that she will eventually be bilingual. Being bilingual is not just about speaking two languages, it opens up a whole new world of people with different customs and different ways of living life. It has always helped me. It is how I got to come to the US in the first place. And I want my daughter to have choices, I want her to know where her family came from and understand how we are different and how we are similar to Americans. Bilingual and bicultural is my goal for her.

And now I know that I just need to relax about it and let her learn at her own pace. Most importantly, enjoy every minute of it. Hold her hand when she needs it and let go when she asks me to. I am here for her always. Siempre.

Goodbye Maddie! You'll be forever in our hearts!

Rest in Peace Maddie Spohr

I still can't make sense of her passing. I probably never will. I am not one of those people that can accept the realities of life and keep moving forward. I do keep moving forward, but tragedies like the loss of a beautiful, sweet, innocent angel like Maddie are always tugging at my coattails. I can't help it, it is how I am, I feel everything deeply and strongly and there is no reason, no explanation that could ever make me feel better about a mother and father losing their daughter. When Lucia was born I spent the first weeks of her life in constant fear that "something" would happen to her, that I would somehow lose her. And it was unbearable. I was already sleep deprived from breastfeeding and caring for a newborn, but that fear kept me up more than anything else in the world. I would doze off and then startle myself awake, sure that in that 5 minutes my lack of vigilance had caused Lucia to stop breathing. It was hell. As you can imagine I had a severe case of postpartum depression and I'm still taking antidepressants, but the fear of anything at all happening to her has not left me.

My heart aches for Heather and Mike Spohr. How can they stand the pain, I don't know. I wish I could go visit them and give them a big, tight hug each. Then maybe take their dog for a walk, buy them some food and clean their house. I wish I could do even one of those things (and if you are in the L.A. area and you can help with food Stefanie of Baby on Bored has organized this. You can email her at babyonbored(at)gmail(dot)com to help.) But I know no matter what we do for them the emptiness left by Maddie's parting can never be filled and it probably shouldn't. In time they will be able to remember her not without crying, but crying tears of joy thinking of her playing, laughing, smiling with them.

The blogging community has truly come together to support this family. Please take a minute or two to visit the following blogs and most importantly to sign up to walk in Maddie's name, to donate however much money you can, buy a t-shirt, and if you can, to attend the memorial service on Tuesday, April 14th:

Undomestic Diva - http://undomesticdiva.typepad.com/undomestic_diva/2009/04/march-for-maddie.html

Velveteen Mind - http://www.velveteenmind.com/velveteenmind/2009/04/mad-about-maddie-spohr.html

Blog Nosh - http://www.blognosh.com/ has a roundup of all posts written in Maddie's honor


Goodbye sweet baby, I never got to hold you but you touched my heart and soul with your smile.

**Epiphany!**

I have struggled with this blog for a long time now. I always thought it was my fault, that I was being lazy, that I wasn't trying hard enough, or that my depression was making impossible for me to write. But I finally realized what the real reason is: because I am a mom I started out thinking all I could I write about was parenting. I imposed that limitation on myself from the get-go. I painted myself into the proverbial corner of mommy blogging. I don't mean to sound derisive at all. I consider being a mom one of the greatest gifts and challenges of my life, but I have a full time job and have thoughts on many other aspects of life like politics, daily life in an urban setting, living in a so-called progressive city, obesity and overeating, even religion.

So, I will change "adventures in urban parenting" to something that reflects a more broad world view in my part. I mean, it's already up there if you think about it. "Listen up, mofos!" definitely means, "hey, I have something to say! Pay attention!" and I intend to revitalize this space and make it really my own. And I hope more people will want to come visit and comment and exchange ideas.

Here's to new beginnings!

Is it February already?

This always happens to me! I write long posts in my head, then I forget them and all my clever ideas and brilliant commentary on life in the 21st century is lost forever... so sad. Maybe if I didn't try to be perfect I'd write more posts and feel happy with them. I have been trying to do this with everything else in life, just trying to find solutions without all the requisite stressing, or rather stewing, I usually do. Parking tickets? No problem! Just work them off by sweeping the filthy San Francisco streets! Can't pay the bills? No problem, just let AT&T cancel your DSL! Can't pay the rent? No problem, just make a hardship withdrawal from your retirement account, you'll deal with it when you are 70 years old and have to live under a bridge, right? See, I said I was trying to deal with things without stress, not without biterness. Heh.

The thing is, I am not defeated by any of this. Bankruptcy is in the very near future (as soon as I finish reading the Nolo Press Chapter 7 book) and I'm OK with that. We're short on rent this month and I still have not come up with a solution, but I'm sure I will. Somehow. I don't know how this happened, this kind of peaceful stressing out that allows me to do as much as I can and let go of those things I can't fix, but I accept it because it is helping me to take care of things, one at a time. I wish my husband could deal with problems a little better than he does. But of course that is one of those things that is out of my hands, I can't change him.



I hope if you are drowning in debt and feeling like the water is up to your neck you will find your inner "peaceful stress" place inside. Almost everything can be solved, only death can't. Remember that.

SMILE!

The holidays in pictures

I didn't want to end this fabulous year (note the sarcasm) without sharing some of our best holiday moments. Sadly, I am not anywhere near my camera so all I have for you is cell phone pictures. I don't appear in the pictures. I am fat and avoid cameras (I'm sure there's a whole post or series of them there) but I promise to wax my lip and eyebrows and trim my bangs and take a couple of shots for you... soon... before the year is out.

This pretty little lady refuses to wear her mittens at all so this is the only proof I have that she does have a pair and that I do try to keep her warm. The hat is actually too small for her head so cousin Ramona will inherit that. See that cute little smile? She's looking at a group of homeless persons that were gathered at that corner smoking some fine tobacco... One of the saddest things about San Francisco is the amount of homeless people that live here and how many of them are families with children. Of course that's yet another story for another time.

This picture is a small sample of a new habit my precious little lady has developed: as soon as she sees a camera she becomes very serious or looks the other way or will not sit still. On purpose. To drive me insane. More than I already am, which if you ask those who know me seems like an impossibility, and yet...

This is Big T, all dressed up on Xmas Day. We did not celebrate but did treat ourselves to some delicious food at Miller's East Coast, West Coast Deli on Polk Street. We had asked our good friend Anya to come with us but she says *cough* that her phone was on silent *cough* so we took this picture and sent it to her. We didn't hear back from her until maybe two or three hours later, after I had already succumbed to all sorts of hysterical thoughts about her and her s.o. being dead in their apartment or something, so much so that we even drove there but had no way to call up and so we instead took Lu to the park.

And this very crappy picture is all I could manage to take with my cell phone yesterday at the War Memorial Opera House were we went to see the Nutcracker ballet, courtesy of auntie Anya. Unfortunaltely auntie didn't know that 2 year olds don't really know how to sit still and can't last the whole performance without melting into a puddle of whiiiiine. But it was wonderful and memorable and I am so grateful to my friend for beign so sweet. I am so happy that Lu has such a wonderful auntie. So, I leave you with a semi-smiling Anya:

Happy Chanukah auntie Anya!

Making a difference, every single day

This post was inspired by Corina, over at Down to Earth Mama who had the HP Magic Giveaway going, which is absolutely fantastic! Corina was generous enough to give her readers a way to enter and then even have a bonus entry. She says: "Write on a message board or your blog a post about how you have or plan to make the world a bit better. Have you volunteered? Are you planning to? The goal is to inspire those reading it to action." I know it's too late for me to enter but I think the idea of volunteering and doing good things for others is wonderful and I'm happy to have written this. Thanks Corina!

I like to think that I make a difference every day. I know that sounds less than modest, but please hear me out. I am talking about the choices I have made in my adult life in terms of how to pay the bills while staying somewhat sane. While in college in Chile, my first job was with EarthAction (the lady at the bottom is my mom!) in 1993. I translated and did the layout for their Action Alerts. Since the whole Latin-American office was just three of us, I also copied, folded and stuffed them into envelopes. It was good work. Here in San Francisco my first job was with the Rainforest Action Network (are you starting to see a theme here?); then with San Francisco School Volunteers for four years and now I work at a non-profit law firm specializing in employment law, coordinating direct free legal services to the public. The way I see it, it doesn't matter if you're answering phones, making copies, translating, training volunteers or coordinating schedules, it is all just as important in achieving a selfless goal: helping others.


Before you start thinking that I am implying that your job in a bank, at a magazine, or the post office is not as lofty or worthy, let me assure you that is not at all what I am saying. What I am saying is that I choose to work for non-profit organizations even though it pays very little money and that suits me just fine. True, I am always poor and scrambling to make ends meet, but I love what I do, I really do. I used to be a crisis phone counselor for San Francisco Women Against Rape but that was very difficult to keep up, when you signed up for a shift you had to be up at night to take phone calls, which was hard to do because we lived in a studio apartment at the time and we both worked regular hours. So I choose to work at places where we are all working for a cause bigger than ourselves. The attorneys I work with all make much less than what a first year associate makes at a big firm, and it's because of their personal beliefs, nothing more, nothing less. They all come from amazing law schools (Harvard, Boalt, Hastings, Stanford, etc.) and could work anywhere else they wanted to, and yet they stay here fighting the good fight for workers everywhere.


All non-profits rely on volunteers to do a slew of tasks that are just overwhelming when you have limited staff. Many people wrinkle their noses when you tell them all you have for them to do is filing, copying, or stuffing envelopes, as if it were beneath them. They don't realize how much they could really help by doing those tasks. Of course there are other things you can do to help, like teaching an adult how to read (usually through your local public library), translate outreach materials into another language if you are bilingual, or spending time with a youth or elderly person. The important thing to remember is that ALL OF IT HELPS, nothing is less important than anything else. Really. So, if you have time and are looking to help, choose a local not-for-profit organization and give them your time and skills. It will do a world of good!

GO READ: Composite: thoughts on poetics & tech: In Celebration of Bitchitude

Although I am linking to this Composite: thoughts on poetics & tech: In Celebration of Bitchitude as part of my quest to win the HP Magic Giveaway, I have to say I wouldn't do it if I didn't love Liz Henry's writing and spirit. She's a feisty bitch, that one! OK, I don't know her in person, but I don't think you have to to realize how awesome she is. My comment is number 12.

And here's what I would do: Keep a laptop/printer, then give the rest of the prizes to the Mission Graduates Tutoring Center here in San Francisco which serves 120 public school children K-5 year-round, infusing "college messaging" throughout its curriculum. Most of the children come from immigrant families and having hands-on experience with a computer will make a world of difference in their education and future opportunities in life. The following short article illustrates precisely why the Tutoring Center needs a computer: http://news.eltecolote.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=211e268f4b161f44aa5501c3a84f15e7 I know Ario personally and can vouch for his uncompromising dedication to the children's education.

I did not do it

I could say something witty like: Yes I did! Or, That is all! But I just want to say that I did try and I just have to reorganize my life in a major way before I can attempt daily posts again. I hope to take some time off work in December to do this and to prepare for the LSAT. Let's hope that goes over a little bit better than NaBloPoMo did for me.

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!**

Warning: cussing ahead!

Posting every day: Ur Doin Eet Wrong!

This is what I wrote Monday night: So I missed yesterday. The babe and I got up at 6:30 AM courtesy of daylight savings time so it was an extra long day for me. I had e v e r y intention of posting at night but was simply too pooped to peep. I started this post last night at work but couldn't finish it on time [added this on Tuesday.]

Obviously my desire to post every day has clashed with my daily life. I have a full time job and a toddler. My husband works nights so when I get home there is no decompressing time, it's GO time right away. And my daughter has been a little turd as of late, which is no surprise since she'll be two on the 14th, some people have told me that three is even worse but right now I am just trying to survive this. No, really, I said survive. A simple, every day task like eating turns into a huge battle, she doesn't want to eat anything, she doesn't want our help so we can't feed her ourselves, she gets tired of the high chair and dumps all the food on the tray and puts the plate on her head. At this point I am just concerned that she needs to eat but also that I am sucking at this mom thing. I can't help but think of my mom having two daughters by the time she was 19!

I want to say so much about the election results but it's all jumbled up in my head right now, so many emotions, happiness most of all, hope for the future, and immense sadness that Californians have decided to make hate and discrimination legal. I am sure that I am not alone when I say that we will keep fighting for the right of every couple out there who wants to be married.

So, because I am exhausted, still at work and have nothing better, I leave you with this:

Hey, I'm busy, but I still have time to laugh!

Posting every day

I signed up for NaBloPoMo in the hopes of kicking my own butt into writing shape. It won't be easy but at least I have fixed the WiFi connection at home so I have less excuses not to post.

********************************************

Today I started the 30 Day Shred and it absolutely kicked my fat ass. I was sweating so much I thought maybe I was melting. And it hurts, oh how it hurts! I am ashamed to say I couldn't even finish the level 1 workout. I am just that much out of shape. But I am not giving up, I'll be doing it every day!

Also today the rain started in San Francisco which means we can't go to the park. You can imagine what it is like to be inside all day with an almost 2 year old... pretty much insane! My daughter is incredibly active and I am already dreading the thought of a rainy winter. Lord! Give me patience and creativity to come up with many, many games to keep her entertained! Please?!?

Living inside my head

I have been gone for so long that a few people have asked me if I "abandoned" my blog. Yes. And no. I did stop writing for a little while because I did not want to be one of those people who is always complaining about their miserably little lives. Don't get me wrong, I know that many writers (yes, blogging is writing!) do very well processing their feelings about their situations in public (online) and actually get immense support from the web. I am simply not one of them. I get tired of the sound of my own voice because it is always there with me; I don't know how to stop thinking, obsessing about stuff, and for many years I couldn't even go to sleep because my mind was still "on." I still suffer from this attack of the "thought tsunami" at night but since my daughter was born I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere. Almost, anyway. The stuff I obsess about is typical: work, unpaid bills, not having money, am I a good mom?, I don't feel like a good mom, I am so fat!, but I really do love chocolate, will I get into law school?, will I be able to pull it off if I do?, and so on and so forth. It is absolutely exhausting and very stressful. And I hate it. I over-think everything and end up doing nothing.

Sometimes, when I couldn't fall asleep, I made up entire posts I thought were brilliant but I didn't actually write them down. I wish I had but the truth is I am my worst critic when I should be cheering myself on. So Sarah, of http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/ suggested I post my tweets. I thought about it and it is a perfect way to bring you up to date. These are the things I have been thingking/worried/talking about. This is a perfect snapshot of the past two and a half months. I hope you enjoy them:

ListenUpMofos So my cat Louie decided to pee on my bed this morning. Now I have to throw away my Cal King mattress and sleep on the floor. Wonderful! 10:56 AM Aug 15th

Lots and lots of work to do, but of course I have to Twitter first, you know, because I have my priorities straight. Happy Friday Mofos! 9:30 AM Aug 22nd

Surprisingly, I'm not loving this Sunday at the office. 1:01 PM Aug 24th

I am not a citizen of this here country, just a green card holder. I can't vote. Will one of you please vote for Obama on my behalf? Thanks! 7:50 PM Aug 27th

and by "just a green card holder" I mean I work hard, pay my taxes and never break the law 7:51 PM Aug 27th

But when Obama wins, I'll become a US citizen. I just could not stomach the thought under W. He ruined this country and the world. 7:55 PM Aug 27th

Never take Lorazepam on an empty stomach unless you have time to sleep it off. Severely drugged at work = FAIL. That's me right now. 3:55 PM Aug 28th

I can't believe how bad things are at work right now. Everything is urgent and needs to be done right now. Not working for me at all. 11:26 AM Sep 2nd

McCain/Palin cannot win in November. Please! I am begging you, do not vote for them! I wish I could vote... 12:44 PM Sep 4th

Dear daughter of mine: WTF??? You go to sleep after 11 PM and wake up at 6 AM? I am exhausted and you are full of energy? Again, WTF??? 9:13 AM Sep 7th

Hi. It's Monday, I am tired and work until 8 PM tonight. Yay. Also, literally have NO money until Friday. Scary thought for a mom. 12:20 PM Sep 8th

I have all but abandoned my blog. But I have high hopes for myself, I can do it. I just need a 36 hour day, 24 hours just isn't cutting it! 1:22 PM Sep 8th

I am freaking the fuck out!!! Flying to So. California tomorrow at noon and haven't packed. Me alone with toddler on plane = horror movie! 5:51 PM Sep 12th

Reason everyone loves So cal: the heat. Reason I'll never move to So Cal: the heat. And my family. But moslty the heat. 8:47 PM Sep 15th

My aunt was so proud that my daughter was happy sitting on her lap. She was actually peeing on her! 10:04 AM Sep 16th

Feeling pretty sorry for myself and my family. Trying to snap out of it. 11:30 AM Sep 23rd

My friend used to be a self defined "bisexual lesbian", now she is a Born Again Christian. VERY DEPRESSING. Still love her though. 4:00 PM Sep 23rd

Just got yelled at by my boss because of screaming kids, NOT MINE, mind you, a client's. WTF??? YOU tell them to shut up. 7:35 PM Sep 29th

So I tell my mom it's the Jewish New Year and she says "Happy Hanukkah!" Oy! 3:02 PM Sep 30th

Tough choice: make the car payment or pay the sitter. Where's MY bailout, people!?! 4:24 PM Oct 17th

Living inside my head. 10:14 AM Oct 23rd

Woke up at 4 AM to baby covered in diarrhea. Got up, washed her, soothed her, gave her a bottle, went back to sleep. Yawn... 11:33 AM Oct 24th

Hello! Baby no longer has diarrhea. I know you were wondering so now you know. No need to thank me :) 10:08 AM Oct 28th

I hope that wasn't too boring. I signed up for National Blog Posting Month for November as a personal challenge. I know I can do it, question is will I.

H&M Canada discriminates against nursing moms

My mom, my sister, and baby Ramona.

Last Saturday, August 2nd, my sister and her husband went shopping for clothes for him and obviously took their 2 month old daughter with them. When my sister attempted to breastfeed the baby, this is what happened, as told by her on email:

"Despite all the medical evidence that encourages breastfeeding, it seems that women continue to be socially punished and made to feel ashamed when they do it publicly. Today, I was shopping with my husband and our 2 month old baby at H&M stores at the Pacific Centre Mall. When he went into the fitting rooms my baby started crying, so I naturally proceeded to breastfeed her. After a couple minutes, though, I was approached by one of the store clerks who told me that unfortunately, I could not breastfeed there unless I went into a special fitting room to do it in private. When I asked why, she said it was the store policy because what I was doing offended other costumers and that there were also children around (sorry H&M, my bad: I was not aware that the sight of a breastfeeding mother could be harmful to a child.) She even said that this is the protocol they are taught to follow during their training. At that point, two other employees came to escort me to the fitting rooms as if I was a dangerous criminal. I was offered to speak to the manager, a very kind man called Guru, who explained to me again that it was the store policy, because breastfeeding in public was offensive to some costumers, and also that they were offering me a much more comfortable space to do it. But of course, they were not "offering" anything, they were forcing me to do it in seclusion or I could not do it at all. So I told them I would publicly campaign against their policy because it is wrong and discriminatory: it punished me for breastfeeding by putting me in seclusion and thus confirmed the idea that public breastfeeding is offensive and shameful.

Please let's not this allow to happen to other breastfeeding moms.

Manuela Valle - PhD Student,
Graduate Programme in Women's and Gender Studies
University of British Columbia, Canada."


BUT, as my sister told me, "they fucked with the wrong Mexican!" [just an expression, we are actually Chilean.] My sister is a feminist in the true sense of the word. She is a psychologist, has two masters degrees and is currently working on her PhD in Women's and Gender Studies. Ooops! This is a woman with strong opinions who can stand up to bullying and is willing to do it. Which is not to say that you deserve to be treated better or differently because you have such an extensive education. Not at all. Every single woman, whether she's a mother or not, whether she has had access to education or not, deserves to be treated with the same amount of respect as any other human being. It's just that not everyone is willing to say: "hey, you are not treating me well, what the fuck?!" But not my sister. She has always been like this, always standing up for what is right, fair, and just. It's just the way we were brought up to be by our parents, especially our mom. I wish I had half the guts my sister has. Like when she decided the right thing to do was to be a vegetarian, even when the whole family mocked her at every opportunity, and when we lived in a country were "vegetarian" means "chicken sandwich" because, you know, it's not read meat. Or when she spearheaded the animal rights movement in our country too. But I digress.

She had the store employees find her husband and when she told him what happened he pretty much lost it and decided he wasn't going to do any business with H&M, now or ever. Then my sister emailed all her friends and family to let us all know about it. Since I work in the area of employment law, albeit in the U.S., I just knew that this "store policy" could not be in compliance with the law. And it isn't. According to the British Columbia Human Rights Commission what H&M did to my sister when they escorted her to a fitting room to breastfeed her baby is sex discrimination. You can read the text of the policy in its entirety here. The part that applies to this situation is this:

"(7) Entities that provide public services/facilities customarily available to the public also have a duty to accommodate lactating women.

(8) For those women who wish to breastfeed / express milk in public accommodation includes:

· allowing mothers to breastfeed / express milk on public benches such as may be found in shopping malls, museums, hospitals, public parks, restaurants, etc.;

· allowing mothers to breastfeed their babies while walking in stores, etc.; and

· allowing mothers to breastfeed / express milk in the regular passenger areas on ferries or buses."


So, if you are as outraged about this as I hope you are, please let H&M know by going here and spread the word far and wide. H&M has got to change their policy, not only is it unfair, it is also illegal.

**UPDATE** Manuela has been interviewed by t.v., radio, and newspapers and there will be a "nurse-in" protest today. Here are the links to the news stories :

http://vancouver.24hrs.ca/News/2008/08/06/pf-6360301.html

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2008/08/05/bc-breastfeeding-protest-h-m-vancouver.html

http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/local/article/94417

Didn't I tell you they were messing with the wrong person?!? I am so proud of my sister!

Today I am 37

I am not exactly where I would like to be at 37, and if you had asked me yesterday or the day before I would have said that things are always going to be awful for me. But today I feel different, I know that things will get better and that I will go to law school and Lu and I will have a good life. I just know it, not in my gut, but in my heart because I will do everything I can to accomplish that.

My mom called me from Chile and my sister from Vancouver. My dad emailed me and invited me to go home in December. That's more than enough for me, I don't need a big celebration, just to know my family is there for me is the best gift!

That's all for today.

THANK YOU ICLW!!!

I really should have been better prepared to welcome those of you coming to visit from ICLW. Also, I should have been leaving comments. I am so sorry! It just has been a very hard week at the House of Mofo and I truly couldn't find the peace of mind to do either. I have from today until Monday to make up for my lame assedness. But all of you who came and commented and told me to hang in there and that everything would get better, THANK YOU SO MUCH! It's amazing how the kindness of strangers (who will hopefully become cyber-friends) can do so much to boost one's spirits! And your own personal stories are just incredibly inspiring, full of courage and generosity. One of the best things about ICLW is to get to read blogs that are different from mine and those I usually read, to get perspective on the things in life that are keeping me down. So I wanted to give you all a little shout out here:

LisaS from Letters in My Soup, who has a fuzzy finned betta.

Star who didn't leave a way to get in touch with her.

Kate from Kicking You From the Inside who really, really loves baseball.

Shawna from His Eyes and My Nose, who is worrying very much right now and can use some encouraging words :)

Kymberli from I'm A Smart One who is not only smart, she's beautifull inside and out.

Michelle from Mommy Confessions who has the best tag line EVER!

Suzanne from That Cool Broad a truly cool, and very sweet, broad.

The lovely woman behind Stop the train, I Wanna Get Off whose starts have aligned.

Katie, the British lady at The View Fron the Hill, up which she often climbs.

Michelle, the coffee drinking mom at Gotcha, Baby!

And Carrie at Letting It Out! who is carrying twins due in just two months!!! **Now with correct link**

To all of you a huge THANKS for coming and don't be strangers please, I promise to be a better host! And if you haven't signed up for International Comment Leaving Week, do so for next month here.

The Woe Is Me Post

I haven't posted in nearly one month. I have tried but could not come up with anything I felt okay to post. My mind has been occupied with thoughts of survival. And nobody really wants to hear how bad things are for somebody else, they probably think "I have my own problems to deal with" and I can't really blame them. But then there's reality. And it is this: our money situation is unsustainable. Big T can only work 12 to 16 hours a week, he has to take care of Lu the rest of the time and he can only make so much an hour because of work experience, skills, etc. "Etc." in this scenario being he is too [insert word here] to even apply for other jobs. He is too scared, or too jaded, or afraid he couldn't do the job if he gets it, or something that I can't understand, but he just won't go for it and it has driven us into a ditch. Our bank account is constantly overdrawn, our bills are constantly late or go unpaid, and as of today we cannot come up with the $665 to pay for daycare for Lu in August, which would mean losing her spot. It is truly stressful to say the least.

The one thing in life that is truly free is dreaming. So if I could have anything it would be this: we make enough money to send Lu to daycare. We pay our bills on time. We can even afford to live in a two bedroom apartment! If our cats get sick, we can take them to the vet without fear of depleting whatever money is there. We can actually save money, no living paycheck to paycheck. We could afford to buy a bike trailer and wheels for my bicycle so we can ditch our car. We could visit my family (whether in Vancouver, Orange County, Miami, or Chile.) We would not have to file for bankruptcy. I could go to law school. Big T could go to EMT school. I would have a second baby before I turn 40.

We don't have cable and I am fine with that, Netflix is way cheaper. We do need cell phones. We could try to sell our car but we just got it 5 months ago and no one will pay us enough to cover the balance on the loan. I could go on and on but I am sure you have stopped reading already because, I know, what a downer. I am sorry. This is all I can think of all day and sometimes all night too. It is practically killing me. And I don't see a way out, I just don't know what else to do.

So, yes, woe is me. Hope your summer is going much, much better.

Messy food redux

Last Friday I wrote a post about letting my daughter eat her yogurt by herself, no matter how messy she got. At the time I promised to post this video of her, so here it is for your viewing pleasure. She is so happy!