I still can't make sense of her passing. I probably never will. I am not one of those people that can accept the realities of life and keep moving forward. I do keep moving forward, but tragedies like the loss of a beautiful, sweet, innocent angel like Maddie are always tugging at my coattails. I can't help it, it is how I am, I feel everything deeply and strongly and there is no reason, no explanation that could ever make me feel better about a mother and father losing their daughter. When Lucia was born I spent the first weeks of her life in constant fear that "something" would happen to her, that I would somehow lose her. And it was unbearable. I was already sleep deprived from breastfeeding and caring for a newborn, but that fear kept me up more than anything else in the world. I would doze off and then startle myself awake, sure that in that 5 minutes my lack of vigilance had caused Lucia to stop breathing. It was hell. As you can imagine I had a severe case of postpartum depression and I'm still taking antidepressants, but the fear of anything at all happening to her has not left me.
My heart aches for Heather and Mike Spohr. How can they stand the pain, I don't know. I wish I could go visit them and give them a big, tight hug each. Then maybe take their dog for a walk, buy them some food and clean their house. I wish I could do even one of those things (and if you are in the L.A. area and you can help with food Stefanie of Baby on Bored has organized this. You can email her at babyonbored(at)gmail(dot)com to help.) But I know no matter what we do for them the emptiness left by Maddie's parting can never be filled and it probably shouldn't. In time they will be able to remember her not without crying, but crying tears of joy thinking of her playing, laughing, smiling with them.
The blogging community has truly come together to support this family. Please take a minute or two to visit the following blogs and most importantly to sign up to walk in Maddie's name, to donate however much money you can, buy a t-shirt, and if you can, to attend the memorial service on Tuesday, April 14th:
Undomestic Diva - http://undomesticdiva.typepad.com/undomestic_diva/2009/04/march-for-maddie.html
Velveteen Mind - http://www.velveteenmind.com/velveteenmind/2009/04/mad-about-maddie-spohr.html
Blog Nosh - http://www.blognosh.com/ has a roundup of all posts written in Maddie's honor
Goodbye sweet baby, I never got to hold you but you touched my heart and soul with your smile.