Is it February already?

This always happens to me! I write long posts in my head, then I forget them and all my clever ideas and brilliant commentary on life in the 21st century is lost forever... so sad. Maybe if I didn't try to be perfect I'd write more posts and feel happy with them. I have been trying to do this with everything else in life, just trying to find solutions without all the requisite stressing, or rather stewing, I usually do. Parking tickets? No problem! Just work them off by sweeping the filthy San Francisco streets! Can't pay the bills? No problem, just let AT&T cancel your DSL! Can't pay the rent? No problem, just make a hardship withdrawal from your retirement account, you'll deal with it when you are 70 years old and have to live under a bridge, right? See, I said I was trying to deal with things without stress, not without biterness. Heh.

The thing is, I am not defeated by any of this. Bankruptcy is in the very near future (as soon as I finish reading the Nolo Press Chapter 7 book) and I'm OK with that. We're short on rent this month and I still have not come up with a solution, but I'm sure I will. Somehow. I don't know how this happened, this kind of peaceful stressing out that allows me to do as much as I can and let go of those things I can't fix, but I accept it because it is helping me to take care of things, one at a time. I wish my husband could deal with problems a little better than he does. But of course that is one of those things that is out of my hands, I can't change him.



I hope if you are drowning in debt and feeling like the water is up to your neck you will find your inner "peaceful stress" place inside. Almost everything can be solved, only death can't. Remember that.

SMILE!

The Woe Is Me Post

I haven't posted in nearly one month. I have tried but could not come up with anything I felt okay to post. My mind has been occupied with thoughts of survival. And nobody really wants to hear how bad things are for somebody else, they probably think "I have my own problems to deal with" and I can't really blame them. But then there's reality. And it is this: our money situation is unsustainable. Big T can only work 12 to 16 hours a week, he has to take care of Lu the rest of the time and he can only make so much an hour because of work experience, skills, etc. "Etc." in this scenario being he is too [insert word here] to even apply for other jobs. He is too scared, or too jaded, or afraid he couldn't do the job if he gets it, or something that I can't understand, but he just won't go for it and it has driven us into a ditch. Our bank account is constantly overdrawn, our bills are constantly late or go unpaid, and as of today we cannot come up with the $665 to pay for daycare for Lu in August, which would mean losing her spot. It is truly stressful to say the least.

The one thing in life that is truly free is dreaming. So if I could have anything it would be this: we make enough money to send Lu to daycare. We pay our bills on time. We can even afford to live in a two bedroom apartment! If our cats get sick, we can take them to the vet without fear of depleting whatever money is there. We can actually save money, no living paycheck to paycheck. We could afford to buy a bike trailer and wheels for my bicycle so we can ditch our car. We could visit my family (whether in Vancouver, Orange County, Miami, or Chile.) We would not have to file for bankruptcy. I could go to law school. Big T could go to EMT school. I would have a second baby before I turn 40.

We don't have cable and I am fine with that, Netflix is way cheaper. We do need cell phones. We could try to sell our car but we just got it 5 months ago and no one will pay us enough to cover the balance on the loan. I could go on and on but I am sure you have stopped reading already because, I know, what a downer. I am sorry. This is all I can think of all day and sometimes all night too. It is practically killing me. And I don't see a way out, I just don't know what else to do.

So, yes, woe is me. Hope your summer is going much, much better.