Truth

I need this space to be mine again. I need to speak truths that are mine and not be afraid of hurting my loved ones' feelings. I need to be able to say fuck and not be worried it may come back to haunt me ten years from now. I was going to start an anonymous blog but it just isn't my style. I have always put myself last, always protected others, always being the adult in every tough situation. But I am who I am. It is my turn now. My turn to share my true feelings, my true thoughts, my anger, my sadness and my happiness too (her name is Lucia) with people who will understand, people who won't judge, people who will cheer me on and cheer me up when I need it, and people who will tell me when I am out of line. So I invited a few people to share this space with me. I hope they will. And that's the truth.

Letter to my web log

Dear LUM,
I am so sorry I abandoned you. I can imagine how upset you would be if you were capable of feeling anything. Good thing you are only my words. I make you. I build you. And then I disappear for a few weeks. It isn't that I don't love you, it is that I never make time for myself, most of the time I don't wear any makeup and my hair isn't very well groomed, I wear the same pair of jeans every day because they are all I have that will fit; sometimes I don't have time to even take a shower. Because I give myself to my work and my daughter and I disappear (there's that word again) behind all of it. I am barely a wife anymore. I am barely me anymore. But this is my space, damn it! And I want it back and I want to write and be happy about it. So I'll try. Again.

**Epiphany!**

I have struggled with this blog for a long time now. I always thought it was my fault, that I was being lazy, that I wasn't trying hard enough, or that my depression was making impossible for me to write. But I finally realized what the real reason is: because I am a mom I started out thinking all I could I write about was parenting. I imposed that limitation on myself from the get-go. I painted myself into the proverbial corner of mommy blogging. I don't mean to sound derisive at all. I consider being a mom one of the greatest gifts and challenges of my life, but I have a full time job and have thoughts on many other aspects of life like politics, daily life in an urban setting, living in a so-called progressive city, obesity and overeating, even religion.

So, I will change "adventures in urban parenting" to something that reflects a more broad world view in my part. I mean, it's already up there if you think about it. "Listen up, mofos!" definitely means, "hey, I have something to say! Pay attention!" and I intend to revitalize this space and make it really my own. And I hope more people will want to come visit and comment and exchange ideas.

Here's to new beginnings!

Is it February already?

This always happens to me! I write long posts in my head, then I forget them and all my clever ideas and brilliant commentary on life in the 21st century is lost forever... so sad. Maybe if I didn't try to be perfect I'd write more posts and feel happy with them. I have been trying to do this with everything else in life, just trying to find solutions without all the requisite stressing, or rather stewing, I usually do. Parking tickets? No problem! Just work them off by sweeping the filthy San Francisco streets! Can't pay the bills? No problem, just let AT&T cancel your DSL! Can't pay the rent? No problem, just make a hardship withdrawal from your retirement account, you'll deal with it when you are 70 years old and have to live under a bridge, right? See, I said I was trying to deal with things without stress, not without biterness. Heh.

The thing is, I am not defeated by any of this. Bankruptcy is in the very near future (as soon as I finish reading the Nolo Press Chapter 7 book) and I'm OK with that. We're short on rent this month and I still have not come up with a solution, but I'm sure I will. Somehow. I don't know how this happened, this kind of peaceful stressing out that allows me to do as much as I can and let go of those things I can't fix, but I accept it because it is helping me to take care of things, one at a time. I wish my husband could deal with problems a little better than he does. But of course that is one of those things that is out of my hands, I can't change him.



I hope if you are drowning in debt and feeling like the water is up to your neck you will find your inner "peaceful stress" place inside. Almost everything can be solved, only death can't. Remember that.

SMILE!

I did not do it

I could say something witty like: Yes I did! Or, That is all! But I just want to say that I did try and I just have to reorganize my life in a major way before I can attempt daily posts again. I hope to take some time off work in December to do this and to prepare for the LSAT. Let's hope that goes over a little bit better than NaBloPoMo did for me.

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!**

Warning: cussing ahead!

Posting every day: Ur Doin Eet Wrong!

This is what I wrote Monday night: So I missed yesterday. The babe and I got up at 6:30 AM courtesy of daylight savings time so it was an extra long day for me. I had e v e r y intention of posting at night but was simply too pooped to peep. I started this post last night at work but couldn't finish it on time [added this on Tuesday.]

Obviously my desire to post every day has clashed with my daily life. I have a full time job and a toddler. My husband works nights so when I get home there is no decompressing time, it's GO time right away. And my daughter has been a little turd as of late, which is no surprise since she'll be two on the 14th, some people have told me that three is even worse but right now I am just trying to survive this. No, really, I said survive. A simple, every day task like eating turns into a huge battle, she doesn't want to eat anything, she doesn't want our help so we can't feed her ourselves, she gets tired of the high chair and dumps all the food on the tray and puts the plate on her head. At this point I am just concerned that she needs to eat but also that I am sucking at this mom thing. I can't help but think of my mom having two daughters by the time she was 19!

I want to say so much about the election results but it's all jumbled up in my head right now, so many emotions, happiness most of all, hope for the future, and immense sadness that Californians have decided to make hate and discrimination legal. I am sure that I am not alone when I say that we will keep fighting for the right of every couple out there who wants to be married.

So, because I am exhausted, still at work and have nothing better, I leave you with this:

Hey, I'm busy, but I still have time to laugh!

Posting every day

I signed up for NaBloPoMo in the hopes of kicking my own butt into writing shape. It won't be easy but at least I have fixed the WiFi connection at home so I have less excuses not to post.

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Today I started the 30 Day Shred and it absolutely kicked my fat ass. I was sweating so much I thought maybe I was melting. And it hurts, oh how it hurts! I am ashamed to say I couldn't even finish the level 1 workout. I am just that much out of shape. But I am not giving up, I'll be doing it every day!

Also today the rain started in San Francisco which means we can't go to the park. You can imagine what it is like to be inside all day with an almost 2 year old... pretty much insane! My daughter is incredibly active and I am already dreading the thought of a rainy winter. Lord! Give me patience and creativity to come up with many, many games to keep her entertained! Please?!?

Living inside my head

I have been gone for so long that a few people have asked me if I "abandoned" my blog. Yes. And no. I did stop writing for a little while because I did not want to be one of those people who is always complaining about their miserably little lives. Don't get me wrong, I know that many writers (yes, blogging is writing!) do very well processing their feelings about their situations in public (online) and actually get immense support from the web. I am simply not one of them. I get tired of the sound of my own voice because it is always there with me; I don't know how to stop thinking, obsessing about stuff, and for many years I couldn't even go to sleep because my mind was still "on." I still suffer from this attack of the "thought tsunami" at night but since my daughter was born I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere. Almost, anyway. The stuff I obsess about is typical: work, unpaid bills, not having money, am I a good mom?, I don't feel like a good mom, I am so fat!, but I really do love chocolate, will I get into law school?, will I be able to pull it off if I do?, and so on and so forth. It is absolutely exhausting and very stressful. And I hate it. I over-think everything and end up doing nothing.

Sometimes, when I couldn't fall asleep, I made up entire posts I thought were brilliant but I didn't actually write them down. I wish I had but the truth is I am my worst critic when I should be cheering myself on. So Sarah, of http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/ suggested I post my tweets. I thought about it and it is a perfect way to bring you up to date. These are the things I have been thingking/worried/talking about. This is a perfect snapshot of the past two and a half months. I hope you enjoy them:

ListenUpMofos So my cat Louie decided to pee on my bed this morning. Now I have to throw away my Cal King mattress and sleep on the floor. Wonderful! 10:56 AM Aug 15th

Lots and lots of work to do, but of course I have to Twitter first, you know, because I have my priorities straight. Happy Friday Mofos! 9:30 AM Aug 22nd

Surprisingly, I'm not loving this Sunday at the office. 1:01 PM Aug 24th

I am not a citizen of this here country, just a green card holder. I can't vote. Will one of you please vote for Obama on my behalf? Thanks! 7:50 PM Aug 27th

and by "just a green card holder" I mean I work hard, pay my taxes and never break the law 7:51 PM Aug 27th

But when Obama wins, I'll become a US citizen. I just could not stomach the thought under W. He ruined this country and the world. 7:55 PM Aug 27th

Never take Lorazepam on an empty stomach unless you have time to sleep it off. Severely drugged at work = FAIL. That's me right now. 3:55 PM Aug 28th

I can't believe how bad things are at work right now. Everything is urgent and needs to be done right now. Not working for me at all. 11:26 AM Sep 2nd

McCain/Palin cannot win in November. Please! I am begging you, do not vote for them! I wish I could vote... 12:44 PM Sep 4th

Dear daughter of mine: WTF??? You go to sleep after 11 PM and wake up at 6 AM? I am exhausted and you are full of energy? Again, WTF??? 9:13 AM Sep 7th

Hi. It's Monday, I am tired and work until 8 PM tonight. Yay. Also, literally have NO money until Friday. Scary thought for a mom. 12:20 PM Sep 8th

I have all but abandoned my blog. But I have high hopes for myself, I can do it. I just need a 36 hour day, 24 hours just isn't cutting it! 1:22 PM Sep 8th

I am freaking the fuck out!!! Flying to So. California tomorrow at noon and haven't packed. Me alone with toddler on plane = horror movie! 5:51 PM Sep 12th

Reason everyone loves So cal: the heat. Reason I'll never move to So Cal: the heat. And my family. But moslty the heat. 8:47 PM Sep 15th

My aunt was so proud that my daughter was happy sitting on her lap. She was actually peeing on her! 10:04 AM Sep 16th

Feeling pretty sorry for myself and my family. Trying to snap out of it. 11:30 AM Sep 23rd

My friend used to be a self defined "bisexual lesbian", now she is a Born Again Christian. VERY DEPRESSING. Still love her though. 4:00 PM Sep 23rd

Just got yelled at by my boss because of screaming kids, NOT MINE, mind you, a client's. WTF??? YOU tell them to shut up. 7:35 PM Sep 29th

So I tell my mom it's the Jewish New Year and she says "Happy Hanukkah!" Oy! 3:02 PM Sep 30th

Tough choice: make the car payment or pay the sitter. Where's MY bailout, people!?! 4:24 PM Oct 17th

Living inside my head. 10:14 AM Oct 23rd

Woke up at 4 AM to baby covered in diarrhea. Got up, washed her, soothed her, gave her a bottle, went back to sleep. Yawn... 11:33 AM Oct 24th

Hello! Baby no longer has diarrhea. I know you were wondering so now you know. No need to thank me :) 10:08 AM Oct 28th

I hope that wasn't too boring. I signed up for National Blog Posting Month for November as a personal challenge. I know I can do it, question is will I.