Rest in Peace Maddie Spohr

I still can't make sense of her passing. I probably never will. I am not one of those people that can accept the realities of life and keep moving forward. I do keep moving forward, but tragedies like the loss of a beautiful, sweet, innocent angel like Maddie are always tugging at my coattails. I can't help it, it is how I am, I feel everything deeply and strongly and there is no reason, no explanation that could ever make me feel better about a mother and father losing their daughter. When Lucia was born I spent the first weeks of her life in constant fear that "something" would happen to her, that I would somehow lose her. And it was unbearable. I was already sleep deprived from breastfeeding and caring for a newborn, but that fear kept me up more than anything else in the world. I would doze off and then startle myself awake, sure that in that 5 minutes my lack of vigilance had caused Lucia to stop breathing. It was hell. As you can imagine I had a severe case of postpartum depression and I'm still taking antidepressants, but the fear of anything at all happening to her has not left me.

My heart aches for Heather and Mike Spohr. How can they stand the pain, I don't know. I wish I could go visit them and give them a big, tight hug each. Then maybe take their dog for a walk, buy them some food and clean their house. I wish I could do even one of those things (and if you are in the L.A. area and you can help with food Stefanie of Baby on Bored has organized this. You can email her at babyonbored(at)gmail(dot)com to help.) But I know no matter what we do for them the emptiness left by Maddie's parting can never be filled and it probably shouldn't. In time they will be able to remember her not without crying, but crying tears of joy thinking of her playing, laughing, smiling with them.

The blogging community has truly come together to support this family. Please take a minute or two to visit the following blogs and most importantly to sign up to walk in Maddie's name, to donate however much money you can, buy a t-shirt, and if you can, to attend the memorial service on Tuesday, April 14th:

Undomestic Diva - http://undomesticdiva.typepad.com/undomestic_diva/2009/04/march-for-maddie.html

Velveteen Mind - http://www.velveteenmind.com/velveteenmind/2009/04/mad-about-maddie-spohr.html

Blog Nosh - http://www.blognosh.com/ has a roundup of all posts written in Maddie's honor


Goodbye sweet baby, I never got to hold you but you touched my heart and soul with your smile.

**Epiphany!**

I have struggled with this blog for a long time now. I always thought it was my fault, that I was being lazy, that I wasn't trying hard enough, or that my depression was making impossible for me to write. But I finally realized what the real reason is: because I am a mom I started out thinking all I could I write about was parenting. I imposed that limitation on myself from the get-go. I painted myself into the proverbial corner of mommy blogging. I don't mean to sound derisive at all. I consider being a mom one of the greatest gifts and challenges of my life, but I have a full time job and have thoughts on many other aspects of life like politics, daily life in an urban setting, living in a so-called progressive city, obesity and overeating, even religion.

So, I will change "adventures in urban parenting" to something that reflects a more broad world view in my part. I mean, it's already up there if you think about it. "Listen up, mofos!" definitely means, "hey, I have something to say! Pay attention!" and I intend to revitalize this space and make it really my own. And I hope more people will want to come visit and comment and exchange ideas.

Here's to new beginnings!

Posting every day: Ur Doin Eet Wrong!

This is what I wrote Monday night: So I missed yesterday. The babe and I got up at 6:30 AM courtesy of daylight savings time so it was an extra long day for me. I had e v e r y intention of posting at night but was simply too pooped to peep. I started this post last night at work but couldn't finish it on time [added this on Tuesday.]

Obviously my desire to post every day has clashed with my daily life. I have a full time job and a toddler. My husband works nights so when I get home there is no decompressing time, it's GO time right away. And my daughter has been a little turd as of late, which is no surprise since she'll be two on the 14th, some people have told me that three is even worse but right now I am just trying to survive this. No, really, I said survive. A simple, every day task like eating turns into a huge battle, she doesn't want to eat anything, she doesn't want our help so we can't feed her ourselves, she gets tired of the high chair and dumps all the food on the tray and puts the plate on her head. At this point I am just concerned that she needs to eat but also that I am sucking at this mom thing. I can't help but think of my mom having two daughters by the time she was 19!

I want to say so much about the election results but it's all jumbled up in my head right now, so many emotions, happiness most of all, hope for the future, and immense sadness that Californians have decided to make hate and discrimination legal. I am sure that I am not alone when I say that we will keep fighting for the right of every couple out there who wants to be married.

So, because I am exhausted, still at work and have nothing better, I leave you with this:

Hey, I'm busy, but I still have time to laugh!

H&M Canada discriminates against nursing moms

My mom, my sister, and baby Ramona.

Last Saturday, August 2nd, my sister and her husband went shopping for clothes for him and obviously took their 2 month old daughter with them. When my sister attempted to breastfeed the baby, this is what happened, as told by her on email:

"Despite all the medical evidence that encourages breastfeeding, it seems that women continue to be socially punished and made to feel ashamed when they do it publicly. Today, I was shopping with my husband and our 2 month old baby at H&M stores at the Pacific Centre Mall. When he went into the fitting rooms my baby started crying, so I naturally proceeded to breastfeed her. After a couple minutes, though, I was approached by one of the store clerks who told me that unfortunately, I could not breastfeed there unless I went into a special fitting room to do it in private. When I asked why, she said it was the store policy because what I was doing offended other costumers and that there were also children around (sorry H&M, my bad: I was not aware that the sight of a breastfeeding mother could be harmful to a child.) She even said that this is the protocol they are taught to follow during their training. At that point, two other employees came to escort me to the fitting rooms as if I was a dangerous criminal. I was offered to speak to the manager, a very kind man called Guru, who explained to me again that it was the store policy, because breastfeeding in public was offensive to some costumers, and also that they were offering me a much more comfortable space to do it. But of course, they were not "offering" anything, they were forcing me to do it in seclusion or I could not do it at all. So I told them I would publicly campaign against their policy because it is wrong and discriminatory: it punished me for breastfeeding by putting me in seclusion and thus confirmed the idea that public breastfeeding is offensive and shameful.

Please let's not this allow to happen to other breastfeeding moms.

Manuela Valle - PhD Student,
Graduate Programme in Women's and Gender Studies
University of British Columbia, Canada."


BUT, as my sister told me, "they fucked with the wrong Mexican!" [just an expression, we are actually Chilean.] My sister is a feminist in the true sense of the word. She is a psychologist, has two masters degrees and is currently working on her PhD in Women's and Gender Studies. Ooops! This is a woman with strong opinions who can stand up to bullying and is willing to do it. Which is not to say that you deserve to be treated better or differently because you have such an extensive education. Not at all. Every single woman, whether she's a mother or not, whether she has had access to education or not, deserves to be treated with the same amount of respect as any other human being. It's just that not everyone is willing to say: "hey, you are not treating me well, what the fuck?!" But not my sister. She has always been like this, always standing up for what is right, fair, and just. It's just the way we were brought up to be by our parents, especially our mom. I wish I had half the guts my sister has. Like when she decided the right thing to do was to be a vegetarian, even when the whole family mocked her at every opportunity, and when we lived in a country were "vegetarian" means "chicken sandwich" because, you know, it's not read meat. Or when she spearheaded the animal rights movement in our country too. But I digress.

She had the store employees find her husband and when she told him what happened he pretty much lost it and decided he wasn't going to do any business with H&M, now or ever. Then my sister emailed all her friends and family to let us all know about it. Since I work in the area of employment law, albeit in the U.S., I just knew that this "store policy" could not be in compliance with the law. And it isn't. According to the British Columbia Human Rights Commission what H&M did to my sister when they escorted her to a fitting room to breastfeed her baby is sex discrimination. You can read the text of the policy in its entirety here. The part that applies to this situation is this:

"(7) Entities that provide public services/facilities customarily available to the public also have a duty to accommodate lactating women.

(8) For those women who wish to breastfeed / express milk in public accommodation includes:

· allowing mothers to breastfeed / express milk on public benches such as may be found in shopping malls, museums, hospitals, public parks, restaurants, etc.;

· allowing mothers to breastfeed their babies while walking in stores, etc.; and

· allowing mothers to breastfeed / express milk in the regular passenger areas on ferries or buses."


So, if you are as outraged about this as I hope you are, please let H&M know by going here and spread the word far and wide. H&M has got to change their policy, not only is it unfair, it is also illegal.

**UPDATE** Manuela has been interviewed by t.v., radio, and newspapers and there will be a "nurse-in" protest today. Here are the links to the news stories :

http://vancouver.24hrs.ca/News/2008/08/06/pf-6360301.html

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2008/08/05/bc-breastfeeding-protest-h-m-vancouver.html

http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/local/article/94417

Didn't I tell you they were messing with the wrong person?!? I am so proud of my sister!

Messy Food = Yum!

Little Lu is a very messy eater. She has not mastered the correct use of a spoon or fork and definitely prefers to use her hands. When we're having spaghetti, scrambled eggs, chicken, peas, edamame, etc it's not such a problem, but then she gets furious because we won't let her eat her yogurt by herself. And she has a temper! She shakes her head no, she pushes our hands away, and she makes angry faces. It's really funny! So I finally decided that there is absolutely no harm in letting her do it. If not when you are a child, when?




She is so very happy I see no reason to ruin her fun. I am doing my best to become more laid back when it comes to her, and it is already working, but I still need to relax a lot more. I want her to have memories like my own, playing in the dirt, picking up bugs, playing with flowers and covering myself in mud. And this is a great step in that direction! After this she decided she was going to splatter yogurt all over the place. [That video I'll post tonight.] And then I gave her a bath, which she now loves. It's such a joy to see her splashing the water and looking up at me as if to say "isn't this fun, mommy?!" Yes it is baby girl, yes it is.