Letter to my web log

Dear LUM,
I am so sorry I abandoned you. I can imagine how upset you would be if you were capable of feeling anything. Good thing you are only my words. I make you. I build you. And then I disappear for a few weeks. It isn't that I don't love you, it is that I never make time for myself, most of the time I don't wear any makeup and my hair isn't very well groomed, I wear the same pair of jeans every day because they are all I have that will fit; sometimes I don't have time to even take a shower. Because I give myself to my work and my daughter and I disappear (there's that word again) behind all of it. I am barely a wife anymore. I am barely me anymore. But this is my space, damn it! And I want it back and I want to write and be happy about it. So I'll try. Again.

Warning: cussing ahead!

Living inside my head

I have been gone for so long that a few people have asked me if I "abandoned" my blog. Yes. And no. I did stop writing for a little while because I did not want to be one of those people who is always complaining about their miserably little lives. Don't get me wrong, I know that many writers (yes, blogging is writing!) do very well processing their feelings about their situations in public (online) and actually get immense support from the web. I am simply not one of them. I get tired of the sound of my own voice because it is always there with me; I don't know how to stop thinking, obsessing about stuff, and for many years I couldn't even go to sleep because my mind was still "on." I still suffer from this attack of the "thought tsunami" at night but since my daughter was born I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere. Almost, anyway. The stuff I obsess about is typical: work, unpaid bills, not having money, am I a good mom?, I don't feel like a good mom, I am so fat!, but I really do love chocolate, will I get into law school?, will I be able to pull it off if I do?, and so on and so forth. It is absolutely exhausting and very stressful. And I hate it. I over-think everything and end up doing nothing.

Sometimes, when I couldn't fall asleep, I made up entire posts I thought were brilliant but I didn't actually write them down. I wish I had but the truth is I am my worst critic when I should be cheering myself on. So Sarah, of http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/ suggested I post my tweets. I thought about it and it is a perfect way to bring you up to date. These are the things I have been thingking/worried/talking about. This is a perfect snapshot of the past two and a half months. I hope you enjoy them:

ListenUpMofos So my cat Louie decided to pee on my bed this morning. Now I have to throw away my Cal King mattress and sleep on the floor. Wonderful! 10:56 AM Aug 15th

Lots and lots of work to do, but of course I have to Twitter first, you know, because I have my priorities straight. Happy Friday Mofos! 9:30 AM Aug 22nd

Surprisingly, I'm not loving this Sunday at the office. 1:01 PM Aug 24th

I am not a citizen of this here country, just a green card holder. I can't vote. Will one of you please vote for Obama on my behalf? Thanks! 7:50 PM Aug 27th

and by "just a green card holder" I mean I work hard, pay my taxes and never break the law 7:51 PM Aug 27th

But when Obama wins, I'll become a US citizen. I just could not stomach the thought under W. He ruined this country and the world. 7:55 PM Aug 27th

Never take Lorazepam on an empty stomach unless you have time to sleep it off. Severely drugged at work = FAIL. That's me right now. 3:55 PM Aug 28th

I can't believe how bad things are at work right now. Everything is urgent and needs to be done right now. Not working for me at all. 11:26 AM Sep 2nd

McCain/Palin cannot win in November. Please! I am begging you, do not vote for them! I wish I could vote... 12:44 PM Sep 4th

Dear daughter of mine: WTF??? You go to sleep after 11 PM and wake up at 6 AM? I am exhausted and you are full of energy? Again, WTF??? 9:13 AM Sep 7th

Hi. It's Monday, I am tired and work until 8 PM tonight. Yay. Also, literally have NO money until Friday. Scary thought for a mom. 12:20 PM Sep 8th

I have all but abandoned my blog. But I have high hopes for myself, I can do it. I just need a 36 hour day, 24 hours just isn't cutting it! 1:22 PM Sep 8th

I am freaking the fuck out!!! Flying to So. California tomorrow at noon and haven't packed. Me alone with toddler on plane = horror movie! 5:51 PM Sep 12th

Reason everyone loves So cal: the heat. Reason I'll never move to So Cal: the heat. And my family. But moslty the heat. 8:47 PM Sep 15th

My aunt was so proud that my daughter was happy sitting on her lap. She was actually peeing on her! 10:04 AM Sep 16th

Feeling pretty sorry for myself and my family. Trying to snap out of it. 11:30 AM Sep 23rd

My friend used to be a self defined "bisexual lesbian", now she is a Born Again Christian. VERY DEPRESSING. Still love her though. 4:00 PM Sep 23rd

Just got yelled at by my boss because of screaming kids, NOT MINE, mind you, a client's. WTF??? YOU tell them to shut up. 7:35 PM Sep 29th

So I tell my mom it's the Jewish New Year and she says "Happy Hanukkah!" Oy! 3:02 PM Sep 30th

Tough choice: make the car payment or pay the sitter. Where's MY bailout, people!?! 4:24 PM Oct 17th

Living inside my head. 10:14 AM Oct 23rd

Woke up at 4 AM to baby covered in diarrhea. Got up, washed her, soothed her, gave her a bottle, went back to sleep. Yawn... 11:33 AM Oct 24th

Hello! Baby no longer has diarrhea. I know you were wondering so now you know. No need to thank me :) 10:08 AM Oct 28th

I hope that wasn't too boring. I signed up for National Blog Posting Month for November as a personal challenge. I know I can do it, question is will I.

THANK YOU ICLW!!!

I really should have been better prepared to welcome those of you coming to visit from ICLW. Also, I should have been leaving comments. I am so sorry! It just has been a very hard week at the House of Mofo and I truly couldn't find the peace of mind to do either. I have from today until Monday to make up for my lame assedness. But all of you who came and commented and told me to hang in there and that everything would get better, THANK YOU SO MUCH! It's amazing how the kindness of strangers (who will hopefully become cyber-friends) can do so much to boost one's spirits! And your own personal stories are just incredibly inspiring, full of courage and generosity. One of the best things about ICLW is to get to read blogs that are different from mine and those I usually read, to get perspective on the things in life that are keeping me down. So I wanted to give you all a little shout out here:

LisaS from Letters in My Soup, who has a fuzzy finned betta.

Star who didn't leave a way to get in touch with her.

Kate from Kicking You From the Inside who really, really loves baseball.

Shawna from His Eyes and My Nose, who is worrying very much right now and can use some encouraging words :)

Kymberli from I'm A Smart One who is not only smart, she's beautifull inside and out.

Michelle from Mommy Confessions who has the best tag line EVER!

Suzanne from That Cool Broad a truly cool, and very sweet, broad.

The lovely woman behind Stop the train, I Wanna Get Off whose starts have aligned.

Katie, the British lady at The View Fron the Hill, up which she often climbs.

Michelle, the coffee drinking mom at Gotcha, Baby!

And Carrie at Letting It Out! who is carrying twins due in just two months!!! **Now with correct link**

To all of you a huge THANKS for coming and don't be strangers please, I promise to be a better host! And if you haven't signed up for International Comment Leaving Week, do so for next month here.

High school all over again...

For about a month now I have been reading a few blogs daily and following the same bloggers on twitter, when the damn thing is not down. So far what I have learned is that there are cliques. There are the popular girls, the less popular but more intelligent girls, the fuck the world girls, and so on and so forth. Even on twitter they talk to each other but completely ignore anyone else... and it is not that I want "in." I just hate the hypocrisy of it all. The internet is supposed to be this endlessly open and democratic space that welcomes us all. Bullshit. If people gang up on someone or decide to collectively ignore someone there is nothing you can do about it. And I am not saying that this is happening to me or anything like that. I don't think I am on anyone's radar yet. It is just what I have observed in the very short time that I have been blogging and generally paying attention to it all. It's sad. I had hoped for something else but I am not sure that it is out there. I will keep writing because I love it but I won't do it in the hopes of making friends or getting to know interesting people. I will do it for me.